put me down, punk!

So yeah...

2006-08-19T17:05:00.000+12:00

...I have a blog. I didn't actually completely forget about it. I keep remembering, and then forgetting. And then remembering and forgetting again. So I didn't completely forget, just mostly forgot. How about I stop rambling nonsensically and just tell you what's been going on?

It's been a big few months, lots going on, and a ridiculous amount of learning happening for me. The big news is that sometime in May, around the time of my birthday, I crumbled under a whole lot of pressure I felt myself under - stressed about my job, hating my voluntary role as a Youthline supervisor, gutted that one of the most significant friendships of my life looked to be over, and missing the many good friends of mine who aren't in the same city as me. It was all sucking pretty badly, and in the tried and true tradition I've had since about age 14, I was trying to cope with it by throwing up everything I ate and exercising a bit too obsessively.

I realised that while I had always felt I was in control of my bulimia,I certainly wasn't anymore. They say that's the common turning point - when you stop controlling it and it starts controlling you. It started to really scare me, and I was terrified by the new level of self-loathing that seemed to come with it now that hadn't been there so much before. I felt bad about myself, so I'd hurt me, which in turn made me feel worse. And so on and so on. Trippy, and not a nice place to be.

Lucky for me that all I had to do was ask for help and there it was. I called up my folks and told them everything was wrong (dramatic I know, but that's how it felt), and that the eating disorder I had told them I had dealt with was now worse than ever. This in itself was a huge turning point. Whenever I've spoken to people about my eating disorder, its been in the past tense, like its not a problem anymore. So to admit that it was - scary but necessary. With the other big difference being that I finally wanted to do something about it.

So I found a counsellor, who has been an absolute godsend. I feel so lucky to have clicked so well with the first person I spoke to. I started seeing her once a week, and gradually I told everyone in my life about what was going on. My flatmates, my workmates, my friends, my supervision group, the group I supervise. It was scary as telling those first few people, but the more people I told, the easier it got. There's still a few friends who I haven't told. I'm not really sure why. I guess I feel I have enough support in that area. And I guess its also nice to have a few people with whom this doesn't have to be a topic of conversation.

The reaction when I tell people has generally been surprise, and huge amounts of support. It's really made me feel pretty blessed that I have so many amazing people in my life who care so much about me. It's been strangely empowering to admit to such a huge weakness in myself, I guess maybe cos the fact that I'm trying to work it out shows a lot of strength. It's been exhausting, but man, what a journey. I'm learning so much about myself, and the strange ways my mind has of sabotaging me. But I'm also learning how to deal with all that stuff, and look after my mind, so its working with me and not against me. Interesting stuff.

The best news is that pretty much since I started seeing my counsellor, I've been eating normally. Woohoo! It's so hard at times, especially when I'm really stressed and anxious... all I want to do is eat. But I've worked out other ways of getting through those emotions. Makes me feel much stronger :o)

Trace

2006-04-12T13:59:00.000+12:00

I got the bad news last night that one of my best friends from high school killed herself yesterday. Isn't it funny how you can have those slight premonitions in situations like this? As soon as I answered the phone I knew what the news was going to be... maybe in large part because the friend in question had so many demons that it was more a question of when than if. No doubt it sounds strange to some people, but I feel more relief for her than anything. I'm glad her struggle is finally over. I'm not angry at her. I can understand why she might have done this. And I don't feel guilty, like I could have done more. Yet.

I can't remember the last time I saw her happy, but it definitely wasn't in the last 7 years. I feel like it hasn't really hit me yet, but I do keep finding myself staring off into space vacantly. The relief I feel for her is currently fighting it out with the pain I feel for her family. Sometimes I drift into thinking of how she must have felt a week after her 25th birthday to decide there was no point sticking around. Those are the hard bits.

Rest in peace Trace. I may not have been able to show it over the last couple of years, but I love you and sincerely hope you are happier now.

The squeaky wheel gets the grease a.k.a Being a whinger is worth it

2006-04-11T18:20:00.000+12:00

I'm not usually the complaining type. More the passive-aggressive, bitch to all my friends but never actually take any action type. But today, I decided to complain! Hehe. There's this restaurant across the road from my workplace in Welly, which I had always loved. Good food, good value, good times. But a couple of weeks ago, I took my bro there, and man did we have a disappointing night! Prices had gone way up, quality had gone down, and the service pretty much sucked. After talking to a friend about it today, I decided it might be a good idea to tell the the restaurant what I thought - politely of course :o) And they have offered me dinner and wine on the house. Nice. I could get used to this complaining buzz.

I like surprises

2006-04-07T12:11:00.000+12:00

Those hard boys of NZ drum and bass Concord Dawn have just put out a new album. It all sounds good to me so far, but I have to say the track that's really jumped out and grabbed me is the summery, boppy, insanely positive and oh okay slightly cheesy one featuring Tiki Taane. Its called 'Never Give Up On Love'. Can you imagine how many angsty teenage CD fans groaned and rolled their eyes when they heard that title? Hehe. Well they would have been further disgusted when they listened to the track, the chorus of which goes:

Now gimme that soul
This life is for living
Don't forget what you have been given
People got to stay true and driven
Never give up on love

Haha, I love it!!! It buzzes me out that even though CD do the dark styles so well and are so well-loved for it, they can still bust out a tune so positive and upbeat.

On a related note, I spent all week telling myself that I would be good and not go to Noisia tonight. I just bought a ticket. Oops. At least I'm not addicted to crack.

Sexy avocadoes

2006-04-05T10:46:00.000+12:00

This morning my workmates and I spent a good minute or so admiring the beauty of a perfectly formed avocado. Hehe. It made me giggle. And it tasted damn fine too :o)

I don't know what to call this one.

2006-04-04T12:51:00.000+12:00

Long time no post. I hate to admit that I actually almost forgot about my blog :o/ But I'm here now! Soooo... what's been going down? I've had two people I love very much leave the country - my brother, and my friend Heather. Of course I miss them, but I don't think it's really hit me yet that they're gone. As an aside, I am currently playing 'Machines R Us' by Faithless through the work stereo and wondering if it was an appropriate choice. Hmmm. Prepare for tangents, I have a feeling there'll be many.

It kinda reflects what my state of mind has been like during the last few weeks - random, tangential... maybe not coping that well with life cos I'm off in my own little world. I've just wound up a freelance project that's been on the go since November last year, and I think I'm still coming back down to earth from that. Getting used to having free time again. It always panics me a little. But I made a decision that this year is about slowing down, so slow down I will. Even if it scares the hell out of me.

One reason I'm dying to slow down is that I am loving being at home at the moment. I have two new fantastic flatmates who I am loving living with - smart, funny, cool chicks, who have been instrumental in finally making the house feel like home. I have to admit I feel a little spoilt though... how could I not when they have put up with my munterness (namely having a bath at 6.30am on Sunday morning cos I couldn't get to sleep) and then have even brought me soup and toast soldiers for dinner when I finally managed to drag myself out of bed 12 hours later? These people make watching 'So You Think You Can Dance?' fun. That is a talent.

On a not entirely unrelated tangent... the munterness of the last 2 weekends have left me feeling a bit meh. An awkward series of events involving my ex, his best friend, and too much BZP have aided my decision to keep the next few weekends quiet, very very quiet. For everyone's sake.

And no one is more surprised than me that I'm still enjoying the gym. There's something so smug about getting up at 6am and bouncing off to the gym all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed... ok, maybe slightly sleepy-eyed, but awake at least :o) Perhaps I am actually going crazy.

I think I've been bodysnatched

2006-03-09T15:33:00.000+13:00

1. I walked past the Pandoro bakery in the pouring rain this morning. And didn't go in.
2. I bought a gym membership off Trade Me.
3. I bought a pair of sneakers for use at abovementioned gym.

Yikes!

Work

2006-03-01T22:35:00.000+13:00

I had dinner with a friend tonight, in between finishing my full-time job for the day, and coming back to work to do some freelance. Though I don't hold it against her at all, she spent a large part of the evening on her cellphone trying to sort out work issues that revolved around Wellington wind wreaking havoc on a giant inflatable dome (oh yeah, and there was a circus about to be performed in it). Eventually we knocked back the wine and cut our dinner short so she could attend to this imminent disaster, and I could get back to my computer. Thinking about it now (as I resent still being at work at 10.30pm for the 4th time in the last 2 weeks) I couldn't decide whether to be proud of us that we're doing so 'well' in our careers, or whether to be gutted that we can't even manage a proper catch-up cos we're both so busy and stressed about work.

If I was ever doing this for the love of it, I think the love just ran out.

I say listen to:

2006-02-23T09:28:00.000+13:00

Erykah Badu - Appletree
Jose Gonzalez - Veneer (the whole album)
Massive Attack feat. Sinead O'Connor - What Your Soul Sings
Salmonella Dub - Slide

Trust me, they'll be good for ya.

Don't be afraid
Open your mouth and say
Say what your soul sings to you
Your mind can never change
Unless you ask it to
Lovingly re-arrange
The thoughts that make you blue
The things that bring you down
Only do harm to you
So make your choice joy
The joy belongs to you

Trying not to be a whiney brat

2006-02-21T08:50:00.000+13:00

I'd explain my completely boring lack of posting by saying my head has been all over the place, and actually trying to put that into a form anyone would want to read has seemed difficult at best. I've been doing plenty of writing, but mostly whiney angsty stuff that only I will ever read. Hehe. Its fun to be emo sometimes.

That little episode with the pondscum guy has led to some big realisations for me - not really anything to do with him... more realising that I've been distracting myself from bigger issues in my life - either by bringing these new people into it or by keeping myself so busy that I have no time to think. So now it's time to actually start figuring some of that stuff out. YIKES. I'm trying to convince myself that the hardest part was acknowledging something wasn't right, and it's got to get easier from here...

It'll be sweet

2006-02-01T21:54:00.000+13:00

Thanks kids for your lovely messages and phone calls and emails regarding El Bastardo. I feel truly blessed (is it possible to use that word in a non-religious sense?) to have so many amazing people in my life. Just the fact that my phones (both cell and home) were ringing off the hook as soon as I told my friends what had happened warms my heart beyond belief... and causes me to truly pity a guy who cannot appreciate the goodness of feeling cared for.

I can't go through my life looking for the evil in people... and I can't even begin to comprehend how miserable my existence would be if I did. There's so much love and beauty out there guys, please don't let it pass you by cos you're scared of getting hurt. I say yay for 27% interest hugs to be cashed in when I get to Melbourne in June, for sunny days, for beers in the sun, for workmates that make sure you're eating properly, for bosses that give you hugs on tap, for friends who can make you giggle at the darkest of times, for mums who give you cuddles and for dads who make you hot chocolate. The 2 tears I shed over this confused individual who chose to involve me in his messy life pale in comparison to the love I've experienced over the last two days.

By jove, I've got a tear in my eye... the good kind :o)

Ew yuck.

2006-01-31T08:28:00.000+13:00

Ah yeah, so that certain lad I was having lots of fun hanging out with... hooked up with someone else over the weekend. His explanation for it takes the words 'fucked-up' to a whole new level. How do people get so messed up that they lose all regard for other people's feelings? It never ceases to amaze me. And why he felt the need to tell me that he may be seeing this girl again is beyond me. There is such a thing as too much honesty.

I need a hug. And perhaps a bucket.

Cool things...

2006-01-27T11:51:00.000+13:00

...rocking my world:

- sun
- having found a new flatmate
- the awesome people I work with
- my beautiful friends and family
- a certain lad I'm having lots of fun hanging out with
- the new addition to the Vogel's bread range: classic seed and poppy... mmm
- my pretty new cellphone
- not being able to walk around Welly without tripping over a super-fun and free outdoor event
- it's Friday!!!

Hope your world is currently being rocked too :o)

Of all the random things...

2006-01-19T15:58:00.000+13:00

My friend Nikki got home from work last night to find a large black bull in her garden. He was still hanging out when she left the house this morning. How unbelievably strange.

The Relationship Kebab?

2006-01-10T13:32:00.000+13:00

This is a term that just maybe was used for the first time ever last night.

I was sitting in a bar with a friend and a couple I know who've been together for about 5 years walked past. I mentioned to my friend that I'd heard a rumor that this guy had cheated on this girl several times, and that sparked off a conversation about relationships, commitment, etc... all that fun stuff. I wondered about the likelihood of ever finding someone I would want to spend that long with, and if I did, whether it'd be because I genuinely wanted to be with them for that long, or because I was too lazy or cowardly to do anything else. I realised I've become awfully picky over the last few years, and have potentially (although I really hope not) developed a ridiculously short attention span when it comes to relationships. So my friend suggested perhaps what I was looking for was the pick'n'mix of the relationship world... a relationship kebab if you will.

Food for thought.

A somewhat delayed rant about hugs

2006-01-10T13:08:00.000+13:00

I actually wrote this way back before Christmas, but the fun, frolics, and general chaos of the festive season meant I never quite got to a computer to type it up... so here goes. Oh and by the way, happy Christmas and New Years to all you crazy cats :o)

The Art Of Hugging

I've been lucky enough to grow up in a mega-affectionate family, and I suppose that has fostered my high hug requirement. I've always known I liked hugs, but it was only this year that I realised I actually need them to survive. During a particularly lonely and isolated phase a while back, I became certain I could actually feel myself wilting from the lack of physical affection I had in my everyday life. I'd recently moved out of home and become painfully aware that most of my good friends were miles away from me. Man, it really sucked. Its crazy when I think of how much better things have got since then.

I got thinking about hugs cos I just had a giant hugfest on my last day of work for the year. Hugs are so freakin special. If asked to choose between hugs and kisses (as many an email questionnaire has asked me to do), hugs will always win hands down. A friend of mine put it well when he pointed out that you can get hugs from a lot more people in your life than you can get kisses from. And sometimes quantity does count.

I love it how different people hug differently...from the ones who you know just aren't that comfortable with it and will kind of pat you on the back to break the intimacy, to the ones that make your heart want to burst with joy and break at the same time cos they're just so intense and beautiful.

I used to have this top with the word 'HUG' on it in red letters. It was great, randoms would just come and hug me! Maybe reinstating that top could be one of my new years resolutions...

Peace out kids... and remember: any time is a good time for a hug :o)

I love my bro

2005-12-22T09:00:00.000+13:00

Over the weekend I did this whirlwind trip to Auckland for a hiphop gig. The show wasn't really up to my (elevated) expectations, but the trip was priceless anyway, cos I got to hang out with my brother. This wouldn't be of any huge significance, except that for the last few years I've never really felt like we connected. I thought we were polar opposites, but sometime this year I had this realisation that I'd only been looking at the superficial stuff. So we've chosen to follow different career paths, and we do different things for fun... but under all that we're basically the same. In all the ways that count anyway. I don't know what's changed... maybe we just started trying harder, or maybe dad getting sick made us realise the importance of family a little more. But I feel like we're starting to really get each other. I think we're over the hump :o) Its a pretty special feeling to have my bro back in my life. For serious.

Frocks & Rosé

2005-12-21T13:18:00.000+13:00

At the start of this year, my cousin suggested I start a blog. It seemed like a fun idea, but alas I never got there - until now. Over the last few days I've become hooked on the blog of someone I don't even know (not personally anyway) - Rivers Cuomo, that guy from Weezer, has this fantastic blog (blog.myspace.com/1480919) that totally sucked me in... and got me thinking again about starting one. Rosh thought 'The Reboundinator' would be a great name for my blog, but I'm not so keen on defining my blog by my unfortunate (and again recently proven) knack for attracting boys with significant baggage. Sorry Rosh :o) So instead its a quote from my hero, the wonderful Ani DiFranco... from a lyric that goes 'So put me down punk, cos I am not a maiden fair/ I am not a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere'... a little nod to that staunch feminist that lives somewhere inside me.

So anyway, frocks and rosé. I've decided one needs projects for the summer, and trying new things is good. The 2 projects I've come up with so far are wearing dresses (something of a departure for a religious pants wearer like myself) and drinking rosé wine. I have this inability to drink white wine without immediately wanting to hurl (a bad cask wine experience when I was 16 is to blame for this) and red sometimes just ain't right when it's all hot-like. So frocks and rosé it is. Going well so far I must say... to the extent of meeting a cute boy who came over to talk to me based solely on the fact that I was wearing a dress... and later bought me a bottle of rosé. Chalk one up for the frock-wearers!