So yeah...
...I have a blog. I didn't actually completely forget about it. I keep remembering, and then forgetting. And then remembering and forgetting again. So I didn't completely forget, just mostly forgot. How about I stop rambling nonsensically and just tell you what's been going on?
It's been a big few months, lots going on, and a ridiculous amount of learning happening for me. The big news is that sometime in May, around the time of my birthday, I crumbled under a whole lot of pressure I felt myself under - stressed about my job, hating my voluntary role as a Youthline supervisor, gutted that one of the most significant friendships of my life looked to be over, and missing the many good friends of mine who aren't in the same city as me. It was all sucking pretty badly, and in the tried and true tradition I've had since about age 14, I was trying to cope with it by throwing up everything I ate and exercising a bit too obsessively.
I realised that while I had always felt I was in control of my bulimia,I certainly wasn't anymore. They say that's the common turning point - when you stop controlling it and it starts controlling you. It started to really scare me, and I was terrified by the new level of self-loathing that seemed to come with it now that hadn't been there so much before. I felt bad about myself, so I'd hurt me, which in turn made me feel worse. And so on and so on. Trippy, and not a nice place to be.
Lucky for me that all I had to do was ask for help and there it was. I called up my folks and told them everything was wrong (dramatic I know, but that's how it felt), and that the eating disorder I had told them I had dealt with was now worse than ever. This in itself was a huge turning point. Whenever I've spoken to people about my eating disorder, its been in the past tense, like its not a problem anymore. So to admit that it was - scary but necessary. With the other big difference being that I finally wanted to do something about it.
So I found a counsellor, who has been an absolute godsend. I feel so lucky to have clicked so well with the first person I spoke to. I started seeing her once a week, and gradually I told everyone in my life about what was going on. My flatmates, my workmates, my friends, my supervision group, the group I supervise. It was scary as telling those first few people, but the more people I told, the easier it got. There's still a few friends who I haven't told. I'm not really sure why. I guess I feel I have enough support in that area. And I guess its also nice to have a few people with whom this doesn't have to be a topic of conversation.
The reaction when I tell people has generally been surprise, and huge amounts of support. It's really made me feel pretty blessed that I have so many amazing people in my life who care so much about me. It's been strangely empowering to admit to such a huge weakness in myself, I guess maybe cos the fact that I'm trying to work it out shows a lot of strength. It's been exhausting, but man, what a journey. I'm learning so much about myself, and the strange ways my mind has of sabotaging me. But I'm also learning how to deal with all that stuff, and look after my mind, so its working with me and not against me. Interesting stuff.
The best news is that pretty much since I started seeing my counsellor, I've been eating normally. Woohoo! It's so hard at times, especially when I'm really stressed and anxious... all I want to do is eat. But I've worked out other ways of getting through those emotions. Makes me feel much stronger :o)
It's been a big few months, lots going on, and a ridiculous amount of learning happening for me. The big news is that sometime in May, around the time of my birthday, I crumbled under a whole lot of pressure I felt myself under - stressed about my job, hating my voluntary role as a Youthline supervisor, gutted that one of the most significant friendships of my life looked to be over, and missing the many good friends of mine who aren't in the same city as me. It was all sucking pretty badly, and in the tried and true tradition I've had since about age 14, I was trying to cope with it by throwing up everything I ate and exercising a bit too obsessively.
I realised that while I had always felt I was in control of my bulimia,I certainly wasn't anymore. They say that's the common turning point - when you stop controlling it and it starts controlling you. It started to really scare me, and I was terrified by the new level of self-loathing that seemed to come with it now that hadn't been there so much before. I felt bad about myself, so I'd hurt me, which in turn made me feel worse. And so on and so on. Trippy, and not a nice place to be.
Lucky for me that all I had to do was ask for help and there it was. I called up my folks and told them everything was wrong (dramatic I know, but that's how it felt), and that the eating disorder I had told them I had dealt with was now worse than ever. This in itself was a huge turning point. Whenever I've spoken to people about my eating disorder, its been in the past tense, like its not a problem anymore. So to admit that it was - scary but necessary. With the other big difference being that I finally wanted to do something about it.
So I found a counsellor, who has been an absolute godsend. I feel so lucky to have clicked so well with the first person I spoke to. I started seeing her once a week, and gradually I told everyone in my life about what was going on. My flatmates, my workmates, my friends, my supervision group, the group I supervise. It was scary as telling those first few people, but the more people I told, the easier it got. There's still a few friends who I haven't told. I'm not really sure why. I guess I feel I have enough support in that area. And I guess its also nice to have a few people with whom this doesn't have to be a topic of conversation.
The reaction when I tell people has generally been surprise, and huge amounts of support. It's really made me feel pretty blessed that I have so many amazing people in my life who care so much about me. It's been strangely empowering to admit to such a huge weakness in myself, I guess maybe cos the fact that I'm trying to work it out shows a lot of strength. It's been exhausting, but man, what a journey. I'm learning so much about myself, and the strange ways my mind has of sabotaging me. But I'm also learning how to deal with all that stuff, and look after my mind, so its working with me and not against me. Interesting stuff.
The best news is that pretty much since I started seeing my counsellor, I've been eating normally. Woohoo! It's so hard at times, especially when I'm really stressed and anxious... all I want to do is eat. But I've worked out other ways of getting through those emotions. Makes me feel much stronger :o)
posted by Noush at 5:05 PM
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